Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’ ChestIN A NUTSHELL

The sequel to the original Pirates of the Carribean, which was itself based on the Disney ride Pirates of the Carribean, which is itself based on a log flume. Plans are in the works for Disney’ next cinematic epic, Bouncy Red Ball on a Trampoline, starring Philip Seymour Hoffman as the trampoline.

Because critics and film geeks alike will once again heap accolades on Depp for his performance, since acting like Gay Pirate Keith Richards is apparently a comic tour de force and not, say, completely horse shittingly insane.

July 14

You, Me and DupreeIN A NUTSHELL

Owen Wilson reprises his role as a free swinging bachelor who moves in with a newlywed couple. Think Wedding Crashers era Owen Wilson, but without the dignity.

Because ever since The Sixth Sense, Poor M. Night OneTrickPony’ been making movies with crazy clownshit twist endings. Here’ a shock ending: it turns out Twilight Zone episodes work better when they’re a half hour long instead of an hour and a goddamn half, M. Night. Also: there’ something on the wing, and we were present day ghosts the whole time!

My Super Ex GirlfriendIN A NUTSHELL

Has Ivan Reitman made one good movie since Ghostbusters? This corndog, which asks what might happen if your psycho ex girlfriend had super powers, looks to continue Reitman’ losing streak, given that it boasts the comedic pairing of bland straightman Luke Wilson and blander straightwoman Uma Thurman. That’ a recipe for comedy, it is.

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