Throughout the history of TV, cartoons have always been able to get away with a little more than their live action counterparts. That insulating shield of paint and ink seems to give the creators license to stretch, and sometimes to downright goatse, our notions of decency. The first show on TV to show a young boy spewing diarrhea onto his mothers face was South Park, and theres a reason for that. It just wouldnt work on The Drew Carey Show, not even during their April Fools Day special. It’s the same reason the Road Runner cartoons of the 60’s sold so much better than actual footage of coyotes getting mangled to death.
Enter the late 80’s. It was a tender time in a young boy’s life. Our bodies were changing in strange, unsettling ways, and our parents, as usual, had failed us at every turn. Luckily, Television was there to do their job for them. Inside that glowing box we found a bounty of fictional vixen, drawn to exacting specifications and designed to fill us with feelings we wouldn’t understand until years later, when we spent the night at the house of the KOBE 9 kid whose parents had the Spice Channel.10. Gadget from Chip N Dales Rescue RangersThe Show: A group of rodents living in the park solve major crimes throughout the city, and believe it or not, youre not huffing glue. Well, maybe you are, but the show was Nike LeBron 11 real, and Chip wore an awesome bomber jacket.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Gadget Hackwrench was a brilliant inventor, Air Jordan 15s pilot, and mechanic who also happened to be a field mouse. A field mouse that seemed to have fashioned a tiny auburn wig out of locks of human hair, and whose ability to turn discarded soda cans into airplanes put MacGyver to shame. Howd you like to be the meat in a Harrison Ford and Tom Selleck sandwich?9. April from The Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesThe Show:TMNT introduced us to a giant ninja rat, a man sized alligator, a clan of feet, a guy who was a brain inside a jar inside another guy, and all other manner of mutated horror we had no way of understanding. But God bless us, we begged our parents to buy it all anyway.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: April ONeil, fiery reporter for Channel 6 news and one of the turtles only human friends. She was also one of the only female characters who wasnt some kind of hideous monster, so that helped.
Perks:Aprils best guy friends are sewer dwelling animal men who talk, act, and think like preteen boys. Double kinky!Bummers:As a career woman, April is more concerned with getting the story than finding love. Youre in very real danger of becoming a one night stand. Are you ready for that kind of heartbreak?She associates closely with mutants, has traveled through the dimensions, and been covered in numerous kinds of ooze. So I say, if curiosity got the better of you and you wanted to be quad teamed by turtles named after Renaissance paintershey, who am I to judge?8. Joe taught us about the inherent goodness of American values and the inherent evil of foreigners and people with lisps.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Cover Girl, like most of the Joes, was named after her occupational specialty. Once a supermodel, Cover left the sexist world of high fashion behind to get grunted at by a bunch of testosterone fueled, sweaty guys who havent had sex for two years.
The Internet Air Jordan 6 Rings Fallout:Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Pretty much the whole rest of the show. Go nuts, ladies.7. Cheetara from ThundercatsThe Show: Take some Superman mythology, the Herculoids milieu, some He Man mentality and a bunch of cats, and youre halfway there. The other half involves a demonic mummy god, yeti knights, robo bears and a heaping helping of Snarf.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Cheetara, the only adult female Thundercat, served as the outlet for our pubescent needs. The fact that she was often depicted wielding a staff that grew when she held it didnt hurt either. Its like they know us!She had a sixth sense that alerted her of impending danger, but left her in a state of dazed helplessness for days or weeks. Id stick to Snarf, the lovable comic relief. Hey, he may not be a looker, but hell make you laugh! Thats what women want, right? Dear God, please tell me thats what women want.6. Tarra from The HerculoidsThe Show: During the prehistoric phase of life on the distant planet Quasar (not to be confused with an actual quasar), a family of humanoids must battle every day for their fragile lives, their only aids a dragon that shoots lasers, rhino that shoots boulders, immense radioactive ape, and two sentient beanbag chairs.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Tarra was the matriarch of the caveman family, and while her crude smock of a dress was a little more concealing that Wilma Flintstones, at least her hair wasnt a cubist bun. Plus she wore shoes (I always imagine Wilmas feet as scabborous, misshapen lumps. Just me?).
Perks:Despite being prehistoric, in several episodes she pilots sophisticated interstellar spacecraft (crash landed aliens were quite common on Quasar). Mensa, anyone?Shes got a gem on her forehead, which means shes Indian or something.
The Internet Fallout:Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): While Tarras busy with us, youre welcome to give her husband Zandar a try. Hes your basic He Man clone, so theres plenty of fun to be had. Be warned though: Zok likes to watch.5. Smurfette from The SmurfsThe Show: A French cartoon about little blue people who live in mushroom houses, have a nearly one word vocabulary, and doactually Im not sure what they do. Harvest things? Make shoes? Theyre blue. I think I said that already. Moving on.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Smurfette got our attention for two reasons: One, because she was the only female smurf and two, because all the other smurfs vied for her affections with a ferocity that led us to believe she had a magic vagina. Although if there was only one vagina within a Air Jordan 7s hundred miles, I guess that’d be magic enough. Im guessing the old bastard could make any number of further enhancements if given the right encouragement.
The Internet Fallout:Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Id have to go with Hefty Smurf, the jock of smurf village. He takes care of his body, sports some wicked heart tats, and is widely acknowledged as having a smurf like a jackhammer.4 and 3. Daphne and Velma from Scooby DooThe Show: A group of kids who should be in College are instead tooling around the country in a van (occasionally with the Harlem Globe Trotters or Marx Brothers) in an attempt to eat giant sandwiches and prove that monsters are really just old men in masks.
The Objects Of Our Misguided Affection: Daphne was the looker of the group, and Velma was the brains, incisive wit, and heart. Also, Velmas breasts were much larger. Between them, they represented the perfect woman (which is to say, a good looking girl with large breasts).
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